Astrology is Bollocks

So in 2009, did the Earth's axis magically snap into a new position with acceleration forces capable of hurling people off into space? Or are the astrologers talking out their arses?

The latter, I think. The Earth's axis has been gradually wobbling since astrology began. Your "new" star sign was always your star sign. The whole system is blatantly and demonstrably false. Mars going into retrograde motion in Libra never affected you and never will. There is no proposed mechanism for astrology, no way the planets' gravities would affect you, no justification of any kind whatsoever for any kind of belief in that two thousand year old bollocks superstition.

The "predictions" have never predicted a single major world event.

Ever.

9/11? Nope. 7/7. 'Fraid not. Boxing Day Tsunami? Not a fucking chance. Perhaps the astrologers were so busy with mundane, day-to-day lives on those days that they all managed to miss those events.

Ever wondered what the zodiac looks like from outside our solar system? Perhaps you think they actually are patterns of stars. You would be wrong. From outside the galactic rim, the constellations become jagged and deformed. They point towards a small, insignificant star in the cloud of billions more like it. They point to a humdrum yellow dwarf with no great significance to the galaxy whatsoever. They point to Sol. Humans in their arrogance chose to label their section of the galaxy by drawing these imaginary lines, all centred on their home star.

So if you ever get the urge to ring up the premium rate astrology hotline (soon to have an all-new, thirteenth number!), spend the money somewhere more worthwhile. Buy yourself a telescope off Amazon and go out from the city and see the sky as it really is, and us as we really are. Insignificant apes scuttling about on a tiny rock, going around a small, perfectly normal star in an average galaxy in an absolutely astounding universe. There is more grandeur in the view that we are insignificant than in the idea that everything is here for our petty benefits.